All About Chemotherapy

Now that I have finished my chemotherapy treatment, I thought I should explain what type of treatment I was given. As you are probably aware, I had my left front leg all the way up and including my scapula amputated. That.was.awesome. Yeah, right. The amputation is necessary to stop the cancer from spreading. Once I regained some strength from surgery, I began chemotherapy in July. The schedule was as follows:

Cycle 1, Week 1: Cisplatin intravenous (heretofore known referred to as IV) with 600,ooo gallons of fluid (ok, slight exaggeration but not much) infused over approximately six hours. Kidney values checked because Cisplatin can kick your kidneys' ass. Made me pee on the lobby carpet in the veterinary hospital. Hahahahahaha. Serves them right! (note: very expensive treatment)

Cycle 1, Week4: Adriamycin IV without 600,000 gallons of fluid infused in a half hour. A complete blood count (hereinafterandthensome CBC) was checked to make sure the chemotherapy is not kicking my ass too bad. This came back normal. Hell yeah! Made me sleepy, got some wicked bad diarrhea. Hahahaha. Serves you right, MOM!

Cycle 2, Week 7: Cisplatin IV with 600,000 gallons of fluid infused over six hours. Dropped off night before the treatment. Human parents go eat yummy yummy Indian food that they cannot get in the town in which they live. Stupid town in which they live. My kidney values are checked and return...tada! Normal. Get picked up in the evening and stop at friends' house near a nuclear power plant (no kidding) for dinner. Thanks guys! I pee non-stop for the next 48 hours.

Cycle 2, Week 10: Adriamycin IV without 600,000 gallons of fluid infused in a half hour. But wait! There's more! For only $100.00, you too can get your ejection fraction checked on your heart! But why, you ask. Because Adriamycin can affect the pumping ability (or some such nonsense) of your heart and you need to know that stuff. It returned, yet again, normal. This is good for two reasons, maybe more. First, because I am a GIANT BREED DOG, there is a tendency for such giant sized dogs to have heart problems. We need to know the facts ma'am. Second, as stated above, Adriamycin can affect your heart.

Yet again, CHEMOTHERAPY CAN NOT CONQUER THE FINNEGAN. THE FINNEGAN IS MIGHTY.

Because I was in the clear, they gave me my infusion. While I was getting tortured, Human Mom went to Borders to do work and drink Chai Lattes. Yuppy scum. Oh yeah, and they did a CBC that returned normal.

Cycle 3, Week 13: Cisplatin IV with 600,000 gallons of fluid infused over the course of 6 hours. Yet again, mum and dad brought me the night before. No Indian food for them. Suckers. I had my kidneys checked again and...Wait? What's that? Normal. Hellz Yeah! This is the last of the really really long and bladder expanding chemotherapy. Again, we visit the nuclear power plant town and hang out with our pals.

Cycle 3, Week 17: Adriamycin IV without 600,000 gallons of fluid over the course of 30 minutes. CBC checked. All good. Can I get WHOOP WHOOP!? Yeah whatevah. Hold on, no, it's never that simple. Veterinarian Man calls my mom into a room. OH MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO TELL HER THEY NEED TO AMPUTATE ALL OF MY LEGS AND SHE WILL NEED A WAGON TO PULL ME AROUND!!!!! No. They just need to take a chest x-ray to make sure there are no nodules or metastases in my lungs where osteosarcomas love to metastasize.

Drum roll please...

The unofficial: negative, negativ, negativo, négatif, negativa, отрицательный, nic

The official news recently learned from the Veterinarian Man while typing up this thing: OFFICIALLY REALLY REALLY NEGATIVE!!

Let the diarrhea, wait no...LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN! I will accept gifts in the form of hundred dollar bills. WOOF!!